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Brillant Comrade is in the House!

September 30, 2010

Kim Jong-un

Let the party begin.

As expected, a rare meeting in Pyongyang, a conference for the North Korean Workers Party, announced the “reelection” of Kim Jong-il in his position of Secretary General of the party and also revealed the appointment of his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, to two senior positions in the party, essentially cementing his status as heir apparent to his father.

North Korean leader’s son given key party posts

The youngest son of North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has been appointed to two key party posts, in a move widely seen as part of a gradual transfer of power.

State media said Kim Jong-un was named vice-chairman of the Central Military Commission of the ruling Workers’ Party, which is holding a rare meeting.

He was also appointed to the party’s central committee. Earlier, the younger Mr Kim was made a four-star general.

You’ve got to hand it to the kid, only days ago his hard work paid off when he was promoted to a four-star general in the DPRK’s military and now he’s managed to become an extraordinarily powerful statesman as well. This swift hat-trick of promotions and appointments also comes with the new title of “Brilliant Comrade”. All this and he’s not yet thirty-years-old!

North Korean teddy bear in exile, Kim Jong-nam

Kim Jong-un is the youngest of the Dear Leader’s three sons, so how did he get fast-tracked to the top job at the expense of his siblings? It turns out the eldest son, 39-year-old Kim Jong-nam, gravely embarrassed his father and fell out of favour some years ago. Given that Kim Jong-il is a man who will dine on the finest lobster and gulp down the most expensive Hennessy brandy whilst the North Korean people will be boiling the bark stripped from tress to avoid succumbing to the famine that already killed millions of them, you can be forgiven for struggling to conceive of the guy being easily embarrassed. However, his cheery, chubby buffoon of a son managed this feat by getting himself caught trying to enter Japan on a fake (Dominican!) passport for the purpose of visiting Tokyo Disneyland in 2001. Since then, Jong-nam has spent his time living it up in Macau with his wife, kids and mistress, reportedly on an annual allowance of $500,000. He’s said to be an avid gambler, though not a high roller, and has been glimpsed travelling around on public transport and dining openly in street cafes, often bedecked in an array of popular designer brands. He denies that he is living in exile.

Kim Jong-chul

The middle son, Kim Jong-chul (thought to be 29-years-old), was believed to be the next in line following Jong-nam’s fall from grace but he has since also found himself sidelined. The purported reason behind this, according to a Japanese man who worked as a personal chef to Kim Jong-il and is now in hiding in his native Japan under the pseudonym Kenji Fujimoto, is that poor Jong-chul is too much “like a girl” and his father therefore finds him unsuitable for leadership, perhaps suspecting that the lad is as queer as a North Korean Superdollar. The Chosun Ilbo has more delightful details –

The reason he was not chosen to succeed his father is believed to be his effeminate and passive personality. There are even rumors that he suffers from excessive amounts of the female hormone estrogen as a side effect of steroid abuse. Jong-chol was reportedly an avid fan of action star Jean Claude Van Damme and tried to emulate his muscular idol. He was captured on film by a Japanese broadcaster at an Eric Clapton concert in Germany in 2006, but unlike Jong-nam with his flamboyant lifestyle, has done nothing to catch the attention of the media.

The second son has severe bitch tits. That’s what I get from the above, and Kim Jong-il knows that kind of shit just isn’t gonna fly. It’s one thing to be crushed under the boot of a mad tyrant but the mad tyrant’s be-titted son? There would doubtless be mass revolt. (Kim Jong-chol is said to be a keen basketball player also. Can you imagine them hefty, chemically grown moobs swinging about under a loose vest? *Shudder*)

So Kim Jong-un it is. In ass-backwards defiance of the Confucian traditions usually adhered to in North Korea (albeit in an already warped manner), the youngest son will take the reins before the two elder siblings. Of course, not much is known about the kid. Like his older brother Jong-chol, he was educated in a Swiss school and also likes his basketball and his video games. Former sushi chef Fujimoto has testified to Jong-un having a very ruthless side and more closely resembling his father, both psychologically and physically, than his older brothers. He is, obviously, ridiculously young and inexperienced and the likelihood of him becoming the leader of the DPRK anytime soon has been met with equal parts mirth and alarm in the region and beyond. The Chinese government appears to have grudgingly accepted this nutty succession plan although it was said to favour a transition to a collective leadership in North Korea instead. There are fears that a less-than-smooth transition of power in the wake of Kim Jong-il’s death or incapacitation due to ailing health could lead to a power struggle and clashes between old rivals which in turn could have dangerously destabilizing consequences for the wider region. Things are looking wacky, dangerous and damned unpredictable which, in a North Korean context, proves that the more they change, the more they remain the same.

North Korea leader’s son given key party posts

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