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Total Pisstake

June 29, 2012

A new trailer for the execrable Total Recall remake has been released and some excited commentary surrounds the appearance of that fan-favourite from the original film, the mutant hooker with three tits.

News of a remake of the classic Paul Verhoeven directed sci-fi action flick from 1990, starring Arnie in what can now be considered the last of his hardcore violent 80s roles, was greeted with much disdain. The original is the epitome of the kind of film they simply do not make anymore, i.e. an over-the-top, ultraviolent science fiction film for an adult audience (from the filmmaker who also gave the world Robocop, no less). That it was being remade with a modern mega-budget could mean only one thing, that the new one would likely be a watered-down, Disneyfied turd of a film pitched at family audiences and likely carrying a PG-13 age rating. When it transpired that this remake would be directed by Len Wiseman, and written by Kurt Wimmer, my own sense of disgust and outrage was palatable, to say the least. Wiseman is behind the terrible Underworld films, and delivered the single worst of the four Die Hard films. Wimmer is the writer/director of such films as Equilibrium (it’s shite outside of Bale’s performance, you know it) and the disastrous Ultraviolet. Make no mistake about it; this remake will be a thoroughly worthless piece of shit.

Now, to return to that trailer, it seems apparent to me that the three-breasted woman is not shown topless, as in the original, for she appears to be wearing some kind of bra-top here (you can see the straps). This would, of course, reveal three tops of breasts only whilst avoiding any issues that send American censors into a fucktarded panic, like exposed female nipples. This means the film can remain suitably sanitized and retain that all-important, family friendly age-rating. To further back up my assertion that this is what is going on, note the additional appearance of what are clearly non-human, robot characters attacking Colin Farrell’s main character. This indicates that hordes of villains can be dispatched bloodlessly, probably with some obnoxious sound effects lifted from Transformers, as opposed to the brilliantly bloody use of squibs in the original which saw a massive body count of people with huge, gaping bullet wounds, exploding chests, metal rods driven up nostrils and out the tops of skulls, etc. One seminal scene in the 1990 Total Recall has Arnie’s Doug Quaid battling the villainous Richter (Michael Ironside) on an industrial elevator near the climax of the film. Richter is thrown over the side of the elevator but holds on, only to have his arms chopped off by a platform running alongside, before plunging to his death. A triumphant, gloating Quaid then picks up the dripping, severed arms and tosses them after Richter’s body with the quip, “see you at the party, Richter!” Now, in the new Total Recall trailer we see some kind of CGI droid scrambling up an industrial elevator in pursuit of Colin Farrell, no doubt destined to lose its arms or be dismembered in some safe, pixel-powered, intangible way that will inevitably lack the gory, outrageous humour of Verhoeven’s brilliant film from twenty years ago. I admit that I could be wrong regarding the triple-titted prostitute but I’m confident that I’ve called it correctly.

(Having trouble embedding anything that isn’t from Youtube so follow the link here for the trailer.)

This is pathetic stuff, and we deserve a lot better. In 1990 the original Total Recall was made with a budget of $65 million, which was a huge sum at the time, and in the UK that film carried an 18 age certificate. They just don’t make films like that anymore, and this upcoming, family friendly turd of a film will simply rub our faces in that depressing fact.

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2 comments

  1. I personally think it still holds up well today, two decades on, deeming a remake unnecessary. But of course that is the route Hollywood seems to be taking more and more. If they are going to do anything maybe a sequel would be better. As we look to the future it’s interesting to look back at the devlopment of the original film. Apparently Patrick Swayze was signed to play Quaid when the movie began preproduction in Australia with Bruce Beresford as the director. However, early in preproduction, Dino De Laurentiis’ company went bankrupt. After Schwarzenegger heard about this, he persuaded Carolco to buy the script for him. David Cronenberg (The fly, The Naked Lunch, Eastern Promises) was set to direct and even wrote a few drafts of the script before Paul Verhoeven took over.


  2. Apologies, dieta, your comment was sitting in the spam queue for a few days before I checked in there and saw it was legit.

    Total Recall absolutely holds up well today, particularly because, as I said above, it is one of the last of its kind of films, i.e. big-budget, ultraviolent, outrageous sci-fi action for adults. As far as I’m aware, the producer who purchased the rights rejected Cronenberg’s script for being too close to the original Philip K. Dick source story, ‘We Can Remember It For You Wholesale’, when he was specifically seeking something more action-oriented. I believe Verhoeven came on board after Schwarzenegger was already attached (Arnie may have actually selected Verhoeven to direct) and decided to essentially build the film around Schwarzenegger’s existing screen persona – the physique, the one-liners, the visceral, OTT violence associated with his films, etc.



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